| Wake Information |
[04 Dec 2008|08:37pm] |
The Wake for Rukus will be held this Saturday, December 6th at 8pm EST.
Food and drink will be provided; however, the budget is limited. If you'd like to byob or bring chips, etc. you are more than welcome to. Parking space is limited, so please consider carpooling.
If you are interested in coming to the party, please email me at "sablenine@gmail.com" with the subject "Rukus's Wake" for directions. Please RSVP so we know how many to expect. I look forward to seeing you all there.
-Sable
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[28 Nov 2008|02:19pm] |
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For those of you planning on coming to the wake and are coming from far away, please email me at sablenine@gmail.com
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| December 6th |
[20 Nov 2008|03:16am] |
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The wake will be held on December 6th. I will try to provide food, alcohol, and stuff like that. Please let me know if you plan on coming so that I can plan everything appropriately. I don't want to have enough stuff for 100 people if only 10 shows and vice versa.
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[13 Nov 2008|06:47pm] |
A mutual friend of Rukus and I had written a poem that he showed me. I have never cared about any poetry until this one. I am at a loss for words to talk about it, it is just amazing.
For Rukus
O scarred youth who withstood
the long years, ravages of abuse
from care givers and kind strangers,
whose frail beauty was oft your bane
the cold streets did consume you
and you walked on
And when you were beaten
and taught to despise authority
of all kinds
every ounce of unjust power
and every officer grim faced
brandishing a club
The politician writing off lives
with the law of his lies
the physician's compliance drugs
You bled upon the harsh streets
and you walked on
Here your friends
and those you loved
we tried to bring you up
to help you find the surface
amidst underworld wanderings
but your pride was all you had
you'd said as much
and you'd be flayed to nothing
before you'd lean or stop to rest
for faltering was worse than death
I too tried to reach you
and I failed to take hold
you walked on
Your home a prison, your heart a prison
in the mind's eye
and fragments everywhere
you could not face the mirror
or find respite in the rational mind
because your battle was with yourself
and when there was no solace left
not one island of retreat,
your bowels full of blades
your demons overcame you
you walked off
that bridge of twilight
towards some uncertain end
and left us the abyss
to wander in.
-Ardor
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| Funeral Information, etc. |
[05 Nov 2008|02:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
Hello everyone, this is Chase (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) chaserocket); some of you may have known me as Blaze. I'm posting on behalf of Rukus's fiancé, Sable, who isn't feeling very well and has some catching up to do with college.
I don't know how many of you know me, but Rukus and I have spent a lot of time around each other. We saw each other basically evey day. To escape the loneliness of my condo, I spent my time here with him, Art, Sable, and other roommates/friends who came through the household. He and I had a good relationship and I am honored to have been one of his close friends.
First off, I want to thank everyone for their tremendous support. Rukus didn't think he had many friends, in fact, he sometimes believed that no one actually liked him, but if he is still with us in spirit, then he knows now more than ever how much everyone truly cared about and will miss him.
Rukus's ashes will be spread Monday evening outside of Raleigh in North Carolina. Anybody and everybody who wants to come is welcome. I will not post the address on here, but I will provide it to anybody who asks, my email address is sablenine@gmail.com
While it is impossible to have a true funeral for Rukus due to lack of monetary means, we will be holding a celebratory wake of his life - a party where we can all get together and be merry about our departed friend. This will give everyone the opportunity to see each other and trade stories, eat and drink. =) I will announce further details when I can.
If anyone has any pictures with Rukus in them please email them to sablenine@gmail.com. It would mean the world to him.
The previous part of this post was made by Chase, this is now Sable editing the entry.
There has been a lot of drama as everyone can see in the comments. I knew there would be some, but I didn't think there would be to the extent there is. I am not scamming anyone.
Someone commented that everything seems very businesslike. This is completely true. There was no way I could have prepared myself for what has happened. I am barely able to function. I haven't been able to do my homework, go to class, drive anywhere, or do much of anything. However, if I turn everything into a task for me to do, and try to be organized and focus on the things that need to be done, I have found that I am able to function. I am trying to stay focused on things I need to do so that I do not focus on my sadness. I feel that I will able to handle my feelings much better at a later time. While this may not be right or healthy, this is the only way I know how to deal with things right now.
The reason why Chase has posted in this entry and the entry in my journal is because I really suck at writing, and Chase is much better than I am. I tell Chase what I want written, and he writes it for me.
The reason why his family is not posting here is mostly because his family doesn't know what LJ even is until I told them. They also do not have constant access to the internet nor the free time that I have. His family knows what is posted here, and knows that I am posting this. When I am in NC I will show them how LJ works, and I am sure they will be adding an entry for themselves.
A wake will be held. I am trying to find property out in the woods to hold it at, otherwise I will go with a campground or indoor facility. Since I do not know many people who have property, it is taking me longer than a day to make arrangements. This will be held in the Orlando area, but I will not know the specific location as I am trying to find the best place.
A PayPal donation link was posted on here because many people have said that they would like to donate money to cover any costs and to help out in any way. I had asked four of Rukus and I's RL friends and they thought it was a good idea. I don't want to have to ask for money, I wish I had the money to pay for everything myself and I would rather allow those who wanted to donate the ability to do so rather than not do anything at all. If people want to donate for a specific reason, such as to cover the costs of the wake, and the cost is less than what is donated, I am more than happy to refund money. If people want to know exactly what was donated, and what it was spent on/given to, I will be happy to provide logs of it.
I did not want this to turn into a argument filled with drama, I just wanted this to be a type of memorial to Rukus, that is why I did not post this until now. Shortly after the wake I will probably screen most of the comments so that if anybody comes back to this journal, they can remember the good times, and not only read about drama.
I am not telling people they have to donate, I am giving the option to those who want to. I plan to use the donations to help those in his family he would want me to and to help cover any costs holding the wake. As I stated before, I will show records to anyone who wants to know exactly what the donations went to (however, I will edit out the personal information of those who donated).
A lot of people have been close with Rukus and knew him very well. I wasn't there for his past, I have only really known him for the past two years. However, because of the relationship him and I had, I know a lot of things that he did not tell anybody else. Him and I have had talked about what we wanted if we had died suddenly. I never wrote a will, because I told Rukus what I wanted to happen, and he did the same. I would hope that anyone who knew Rukus well enough would also trust his judgment and trust his judgment in me.
It makes me sad that this has turned into drama. I personally know there will be some, and I do not have a problem with other people's opinions. I just want these last journal entries to be positive. I hope that further comments relating to these issues are brought to my LJ so that this one can be as positive as it can.
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[03 Nov 2008|01:52pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
This is Sable, Rukus's boyfriend. I'm not sure what to say, so for now I'm just going to make an announcement. Rukus is no longer with us, he took his life Saturday, November 1st. I will edit this post later to provide more information, including funeral information.
Rukus's family came down today to pick up his belongings and to finalize funeral arrangements. Rukus is going to be cremated today, and next week the family and I will be spreading his ashes. I haven't discussed it in detail with the family too much, so I do not know how many people they want there. When I find out more, I will post it here.
Also, if anyone has any pictures of Rukus and I, please email them to sablenine@gmail.com. I just realized I do not have any pictures that have both of us in it.
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| SCREAM |
[01 Nov 2008|02:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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2PAC - Don't Give a Fuck About Us |
] |
I just want to
SCREAM.
I went to my friend Jon's for a few minutes, it wasn't popping yet so I decided to go to Heartwood's. I guess I enjoyed myself. I had a glass of wine and a beer. I communicated shortly with a few people and stared callously at certain persons. Over all I felt pretty lonely, but that's normal for me. I'm trying my hardest, I really am, I just don't know what my place is. I don't even know why I am in the places I go. I fucking... I fucking just feel so goddamn... ugh. I wish I had Sable come with me. I can't keep relying on Sable... Fuck I feel so alone. Tomorrow's supposed to be Furloween and I don't even know if I want to go to that... just like I didn't want to go out tonight... I don't even deserve to go to furloween, I can't afford to, but I'll still sneak in the back and sit at the patio table as always... Pfft I don't even know. Right now I just... erf... I'm just so lonely.
i want to break things right now, i want to break everything, i want to shatter my mirror and throw my shoes. i want to yell and cry and put holes in walls and cut part of myself out of myself and just scream at him and cry at him and find out what the fuck he wants, what the fuck do i have to do to satisfy him, what the fuck could i ever do to make you just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME BE HAPPY, i just want to fucking feel happy.
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| Obama |
[31 Oct 2008|03:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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2PAC - Don't Give a Fuck About Us |
] |
I hope he smiles from heaven. He knows, he gets it, he understands.
Y'all ain't never just tripped and pictured
And just looked at the whole situation
Cause once u look at it
You know (really do)
They don't give a fuck about us
They don't give a fuck about us
They don't give a fuck about us
Thuggin' till the day I die
They don't give a fuck about us
And when I start to rise
A hero in their children's eyes
Now they give a fuck about us
[Tupac]
Some say niggaz is hard headed cause we love to trick
Equipped with game so we bang wit this thuggish shit
I see you trying to hide
Hoping that nobody don't notice
You must always remember you still a member of the hopeless
See ya black like me
So you snap like me
When these devils try to plot
Trap our young black seeds
Look it
Cops are just as crooked as the niggas they chasin'
Lookin' for role models
Our father figures is bases
Some say they expect Illuminati take my body to sleep
Niggas at the party with they shotties
Just as rowdy as me
Before I flee computer chips
I gotta deal wit brothas flippin
I don't see no devils bleedin'
Only black blood drippin
We can change
Whatcha now say?
I'm watchin niggaz work their lives out without pay (huh)
Whatever it takes to switch places wit the bustas on top
I'm bustin' shots make the world stop
They don't give a fuck about us
[Chorus]
And if I choose to ride
Thuggin' till the day I die
(Nobody)
Cause they don't give a fuck about us
But when I start to rise
A hero in they children's eyes
Now they give a fuck about us
And if I choose to ride
Thuggin' till the day I die
Nobody gives a fuck about us
But when I start to rise
A hero in they children's eyes
Now they give a fuck about us
[EDI]
It's the morning after and now all the laughter is gone
Time to reflect on what you did cause they saying you wrong
I'm sure you had your reasons dawg
I don't doubt you
See the simple fact of the matter is they don't give a fuck about you
Or them five mouths you forced to feed (uh-huh)
No including yourself
All you want is what they perceiving as greed
So as you loaded up that mack and continue to buck em
I was on paper
Thinking they don't give a fuck about us
[Tupac]
I'm seeing it clearer
Hating the picture in the mirror
They claim we inferior
So why the fuck these devils fear ya?
I'm watching my nation die genocide the cause
Expect a blood bath
The aftermath is y'alls
I told ya last album, we need help cause we dying
Give us a chance, help us advance cause we trying
Ignore my whole plea, watching us in disgust
And then they beg when my guns bust
They don't give a fuck about us
[Chorus x2]
And if I choose to ride
Thuggin' till the day I die
Nobody gives a fuck about us
But when I start to rise
A hero in they children's eyes
Now they give a fuck about us
[Kastro]
Now all my homies got love for me
Down to catch a slug for me
Guaranteed to bleed deeply
Now that's love
Shit
Nobody else could give a fuck
If I'm tore down, from the floor down
Six-feet deep in the cut
What the fuck done went wrong
How long will I be mourned?
When I'm gone, same song
Ain't gave a fuck all along
And who am I to blame em?
Just do or die through the rainin'
Since they don't give a fuck
I don't
Feel what I'm saying?
[Kadafi]
Now thug niggaz die but multiply in doubles
Wrapped in plastic
Or closed casket for our troubles
Pressed in times
We busted like bubbles
With the police
This nation's peace sent here to run you
Now look at what this crooked world has come to
I grew up on the other side of perfect, a life of hurtin'
Man I still hustle, so I'm dyin certain
So I spent your time in poor and working
I see no reason
So I stay ballin' season to season
Why you stuck thinking that they give a fuck?
[Napolean]
You tell me my world is in peace, but nigga your lying
Cause half of my niggas, long gone, buried in the dirt just for trying
Sometimes I think my block is dying
And that it's awful
To wake up to another day, shit ain't change that all fool
I wake up sweatin, dreamin, coughin
Seein' me upside down backwards head twisted
While I'm layin in the coffin
The shit comes around so often
So tell me something
Before I take it out on the world, and get to dumpin'
Nigga I been so through pain go through the struggle
Doin the same thing you did at my age and that's hustlin
On the edge of straight bustin'
Well since you don't give a fuck
I be frontin
And I'ma drink my Hennessey like it ain't nothin
Now if I choose to ride, thuggin' till the day I die
They don't give a fuck about us
While I'm kickin rhymes, getting to their children's minds
Now they give a fuck about us
They wanna see us die, they kick us every time we try
They don't give a fuck about us
So while I'm getting high, I'm watching as the world goes by
Cause they don't give a fuck about us
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| .....o.0 |
[28 Oct 2008|06:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Captain Beefheart - One Rose that I mean |
] |
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ana%C3%AFs_Nin
this bitch was amazing and gets it. i wish she weren't dead like 40 years ago.
My yiffy side desires stimulation. D:
Wow, I think that's the first time I've ever used the term "yiffy" ...
Okay this embracing my way of life thing is totally not working out for me.
P.S. One Rose that I Mean still fucking... God, this man just stroked beauty, understanding, and kindness into the world with this short bit of guitar...
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| sick |
[28 Oct 2008|02:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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K's Choice - Only Dreaming |
] |
my stomach is upside down, has been since I woke up at 10 this morning...
Went to bed around 4:30... drawed some, ate some cereal in bed... woke up and the nausea started. feels like morning sickness. who got me pregnant when I wasn't looking? hah, anyways, i laid back down with dusty next to me and drifted back into consciousness at like 1:45-2oclock, still nausea... hm
I'll uhm post something happy later maybe...
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| Everything for Free |
[27 Oct 2008|01:42pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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K's Choice - Everything for Free |
] |
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| . |
[26 Oct 2008|04:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Del - Mastermind |
] |
Besides being taken advantage of sexually while passed out and feeling completely alone/out of place/terrified/and simply dead at Elliot's, I'm trying my hardest to look at bright moments.
First we coerce your brain patterns
Collaborate with time-consumin' re-programin'
I apply the flow cannon, the combo so slamin
Automically reconstruct the old canvas
I went to two parties alone and at the first party I made an active attempt to be social and enjoy normal adult social activities, like having a few drinks. Sadly, I only had two drinks and that knocked me out... I didn't realize how strong Mach's drinks are. Anybody knowing me knows that I don't like to drink like that anymore... not in a long time... it really was an accident, I only had TWO drinks.
His logic impress, a hypnotic effect
Ya latin patent you could call it a gift
Man he all in the mix nuclear physicist
Geneticlly taylored every bit of this stimulus
I know people don't hate me. Fuck, I know I felt like such a downer at Elliot's for everybody I talked to because I was just so UPSET but I was really trying my hardest to not be like that. There's like 2 people at the event that I've seen at each event who i absolutely adore, we shared our fire grass as usual...
PSYONICALLY BIONICALLY FORGET HOW YOU FEEL
Especially formulated the rest of you fornicated
It takes more to make this
He juggles variables
I was alive for a little while there. I was social and rolling but well you know that's not no way to fix a problem. I just slipped back into isolation as the night went on, drowning on my own sympathy possibly? CP and Lacy really upset me at one point. CP and I have always fucked with each other back and forth and he or Lacy really have no reason to fuck with me but those two talking to me just makes me feel intimidated, just like most other people... I don't know why, it's scary, because I can't talk to anybody.
Unparreled propulsion to carry the load
Nueral surgeon the purest virgin conducting currents
Musical merlin he shines like sterling
Watch the Automator draw laser of a higher intensity
And instantly miss a beat create a symphony
I had a long conversation while my stomach was absolutely tied into burning knots, with someone I have such a huge crush on. Everything I feel is such a confusion to me. But I keep trying. Eventually, when I left it was dying down time anyways... Blaze checked on me and it made me kinda happy... I followed him out to the cars and when I got in my car I let everything I had been holding in at the event, out, and just screamed and cried for a half our before leaving.
Hey I know now, I know now repeat
Automator's on the planet earth
and he's gonna stop the war of the worlds
Deltron Zero is here as well take the cut for real
I drove home, scared and paranoid and worried. I made it though. I went to Sable's and got him, I needed to tell somebody how terrible and violated and disgusting and horrible I feel, and ask somebody besides myself "Why Me?" Because seriously, nobody is supposed to live like this... Fuck... the perpetual screaming... always screaming inside.
He told y'all evil do'ers he is
truly gifted in the matters of rhythm
Ya you got to give him that
In his infnite wisdom you know you got to get with him
But I'm a good guy... I'm a great guy, I'm better than most guys... Goddammit, am I scarier to others than they are to me? Or is this just another delusion, people keep saying it to me, I start to wonder that if I shift back will things be okay? I spent a long time having conversations with Meister this weekend but I really don't think he'd even be able to function properly all the time without some kind of medication.
I really don't want medication.
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| It. |
[26 Oct 2008|03:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
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disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Three 6 Mafia - Hard Not To Kill |
] |
Remind me never to listen to my inner monologue in the future.
Going out is an absolute waste of time and causes me nothing but a desire for death.
I'm done.
The only thing out there is pain.
Bye.
P.S. I wish you'd all die.
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| Inner Monologue |
[24 Oct 2008|05:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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metallica - one |
] |
Tonight has to be good!
"Let's have a great night, Ru!"
"Can I play too?"
"Sure, Abel."
"Thankies Meisser!"
Then there's all the,
"I'm afraid of driving."
"I'm afraid of knocking on the door."
"I'm afraid of people saying hi to me."
"I'll just go straight to the back and immediately isolate myself by smoking a cigarette."
"Oh god please stop asking questions about me."
"Just go away."
"We should leave soon."
"I want to stay!"
"Abel's getting fussy, we need to go Ru."
"Fine."
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| I wish. |
[24 Oct 2008|01:53pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Manticore Boy - Female Glee |
] |
I could rewind time and have all my money back. I'd fix my world world really quickly now that I know the path of solutions.
I'm not too bad, just misunderstood. I'm cool, tough, and willing to do what it takes. Best of all, I don't take orders from anybody.
My hatred of anybody representing a position of any kind of authority is my enemy. I am absolutely repulsed and concerned only with the end of authority being held over me.
ITS TIME TO REUP IM GONNA MAKE MY MONEY RITE.
It's all about money, good old money. Good old buy it, spread it, share it, give it. There is a loop though. I'm gonna kill the king. Promise.
Won't you sing me a nursery rhyme
To keep me quiet while you're on fire
Please just sing me a nursery rhyme
To keep me quiet, while I'm inside
I won't let you fall in love
You know inside, the baby knows
Your baby knows
You're on fire, you're on fire
Keep me quiet, keep me angry
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| So I can't even have what I want for dinner.... |
[23 Oct 2008|11:46pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
] |
I get so angry when people try to understand how I feel, or try to give me advise on how I feel, and a lot of times even when people are trying to help me feel better or grow past my problems.
The reason, I just realized, is because the people that make me most angry don't have any idea what it's like to have simple phrases heard in passing cause them to freeze up completely and be unable to provide any kind of feedback for some unknown reason.
Sable upset me just now by making a comment about something important to me. The comment was accusitory . As a result, I didn't tell him what I wanted for dinner because he got frustrated that I wasn't answering his questions, and he left. So, because of this I don't get to eat what I want tonight.
To try to explain what is going on, the comment or whatever that is said causes an effect that feels kind of the opposite of what an adreneline rush is like. I can't tell what I want, how I feel, how to make me better, what is hurting me, what is bothering me, what I want to do, if I want to move, where I want to go, absolutely no kind of feedback, I gaze off and go somewhere else and I hear and register everything but I can't move.
This is also why I don't like talking in the car when I am driving and why I turn down music at stop lights and during rain/construction/etc.
In short, hearing the wrong words (doesn't have to be something said to me or about me) causes me to become mentally paralyzed and unable to respond or communicate.
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| Goodmorning |
[22 Oct 2008|12:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kanye West - Good life |
] |
Good morning Ru, let's change the world today. Okay?
MOTHER3.FOBBY.NET
The murrest !
Also...
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
AND EVEN IF HE WAS HE AINT FUCKIN WITH GUNS
All this talk about change... makes me wish I could change. Get some change in my pocket, line my world with green. Maybe run so far away nobody can catch me... find me, wanting it? Wanting to be alone? At least I'd be safe~ I get hurt every day and people don't see it~ Imagine if you fell on and scraped your knees every day, it doesn't hurt too bad, but that knee gets fucked after a while.
i thought leaving the darkness would be good enough, sunny days where the grass is greener, the sun shines heavier, but the caves are still homely. damp, wet, warm, safe. LOLTHEYWANTTOTAKETHEPAINFROMTHEBRINGERBUTNOTTHEBRINGEROFTHEPAIN oh mah... don't be so ignorant...
What is on my agenda today? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! HAR! ... same as every day - what do we do today? maybe try to pass the time, drive up to the mall and eat lunch, get scared and come home. It's hot~ get rich quick schemes? Hmm... Even if I had everything I wanted it... wait, I don't want nothing but other people, it don't work though. Still lonely~
I'm still pissed at Dusty destroying WhiteWolf's fox, I'm really fucking angry at that. Everything I've ever had gets destroyed by something or somebody else, fucking everything. I get SO FUCKING ANGRY at EVERYBODY especially when people have things broken or lost because I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING, it's really a feeling that's hard to explain or duplicate.
Everything I've ever had has been taken away from me BY AN EXTERNAL FORCE... fucking look at me, I've been wearing the SAME FUCKING CLOTHES TO CONS SINCE 2002. Goddammit... fuck there's no way to explain how I feel and all I feel people think of me is whining and crying, and nobody wants to be near me because I'm not normal, this barrier between me and the world is so immense...
the time i'm happy is when i have something that people want.
if i don't have things that people want I am worthless to those people.
i wonder if anybody knows what it's like to live in my world... maybe people with autism do.
one thing that makes me angry is that by the time he comes back i'll be old and ugly and nobody will want to love me even for my body, which is all i apparently have going for me... Alan was right, but I still can't even love my body, I feel so ugly and unwanted all the time... sometimes i really do wish death were an option, i feel like everybody would be better off without me.
There's so much blood... so much fucking blood, blood on my face and hands, blood and tears... I was too young to see these things, i'm still too young to think about them, i just want to stay in my room... safe... with the door locked.. nobody can get me in here... but FUCK...
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| Growl. |
[22 Oct 2008|12:04am] |
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The air conditioning is still not working... it's so freaking hot...
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| Why I Build Castles in the Sky |
[21 Oct 2008|06:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breakbeat Heartbeat - Castles in the Sky REMiX |
] |
Circa 1989-1991
I remember the rain. It didn't stop all day. I lived in an old house made of wood and cement. Most of the wood was rotten. The screen on the large blue concrete floor of the front poor was pealing and ripped away from the frame of the enclosure. There was a church pew that we used as a bench against the wall. The front door did not have a door handle. There was a large hole where one would be and if you looked inside you could see within the house.
This morning though, the door was open. I was standing there in a blue sweat suit, I couldn't have been any older than five or six. I'm not sure if I had started school yet. My face was round and my cheeks were very puffy. They only turned pink when I laughed or was embarrassed. I had shaggy brown hair and it was covering my eyes partially.
I honestly did not believe that anybody was ever coming home. I stood there from dawn until dusk. Have you ever seen the way I cling to people? I clung to the doorway, pacing back and forth along the porch, crying in the corner.
I can't remember what happened after that. I remember crying a lot, and being hurt. My bedroom walls were covered with crayon. I had colored all over the walls and thrown all the stuffed animals and toys on the floor.
I remember my mother and father's anger and I remember the beating. Something was starting to change inside of me.
Circa 1990-1991
I know they were doing drugs, I don't know what it was over. We had a room in our house that was probably meant to be a dining room, but we called it the blue room because it had blue carpet and blue walls. We put the Christmas tree in there or the living room. I made my Donatello turtle costume with my dad in there when I was like six.
I don't know what the reason was... I just remember the screaming and crying. For some reason I remember making my sister (she was only 3ish) stay in the living room, I really don't know where she was. I can't remember well. We had a bar area between the blue room and kitchen. It was like an island protruding from the wall. I was standing there watching.
My dad was holding my mom there, my mom was kicking and screaming. I always remember my dad crying more than my mom crying, kinda. My mom was more frantic, though my dad hit my mom and they fought and he WAS abusive, my mom always seemed to cause it, and my dad always seemed when mom was in a corner to be trying to calm her down. But my mom hurt my dad a lot and cheated a lot I think and my mom just screamed so loud. She always taught me that my dad was evil, and I loved her more than life.
But I remember the play table in my room, it was enclosed with doors. I remember being locked in there for hours, in this tiny table, or in the hall closet, screaming so scared. I think my first experiences with hallucinations were here. We had bugs, roaches, they would get on me and crawl on me. I was terrified, and I felt it even if there weren't any bugs.
I still feel like things are crawling on me sometimes. Often, actually... I'm afraid of spiders and other bugs.
I ran away often.
Circa 1992-1993
I wasn't allowed to play with Curtis. I don't know why really, just I wasn't supposed to. One day I told my mom that I was going to Todd's Pond with Mikey and JJ and that I'd be home at 4. I actually went to Curtis's and I ended up going out to do errands with him and his mom until about 8. I rode my bike home (about 2 miles) and went across the street to JR's (I think that was his name) this really old man who I really don't like remembering for some reason, and found out they were looking for me.
My I remember running down the long porch so fearfully. After that there are flashes, I can't remember, I just remember crying and screaming and being alone for a long time.
Circa 1990
In kindergarten I screamed in this teacher lady's class at a picture of a bug on the screen. My grandma came and got me. The teachers kept asking me why I screamed. My mom later punished me with her foot, a thick leather belt, slapping me, and isolation.
Circa 1991
I begged my grandmother all day until she was at her wits end of sanity, being the loudest, most demanding, snarky, MEAN child ever to buy me Zelda for the NES. I had played it somewhere or something and I had to play it. She bought it for me... I was so happy. When I finished the game in what seemed to be ages later, I screamed and shouted and was so excited...
My mother punished me for having the game because my grandmother "never gives anything to your sister do they! you spoiled fucking brat, all they do is baby you brooks, when are you going to learn you're not a baby, stop crying, stop fucking crying, goddammit brat you're pissing me off"
Circa 1994
It was summer and we were living in this green house on the outskirts of Wendell. The nightmares were especially bad when I lived here and Wake Forest. The abduction nightmares, I mean.
Jamie was my mother's sister. She had a son and daughter, Nikki and Jason. Jason is a like six or seven years older than me? Or, I really don't know. All I know is that Jason had me... do things, he taught me things and showed me things and got me to do things.
It wasn't the first time... but it's the first time I clearly remember.
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| What happened? |
[21 Oct 2008|05:10pm] |
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music |
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Miley Cyrus - See you Again |
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This weekend was utter shit. Lonely, poorly planed, and frustrating. Last night Dusty ate the replacement fox that White Wolf gave me. I'll post pictures eventually. I was really upset. I was really mad at the people laughing at Dusty as he ripped my fox to shreds. I've slept with this fox for several years, I had him when I was homeless, when my dad was beating me up last, throughout my travels. I feel like a failure, as if I can't protect anything. I feel so beat up.
And what's worse is getting teased by babyfurs over it...
Why do I feel like "Why can't anybody just accept me as I am?" And there's this voice in the back of my head saying, "I told you, stay the fuck away from all those people, they're just going to keep hurting you."
It doesn't matter or make sense... there's a VOICE TELLING ME I AM UTTERLY WORTHLESS IN MY HEAD THAT I CANNOT CONTROL AND IT WILL NOT GO AWAY. In fact there are SEVERAL VOICES THAT WILL NOT STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AND HOW I FEEL AND WHY... And it's worse because if I listen I'll be okay... but erf.
Fuck you Smoke, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, yes, i took the time to repeatedly type fuck you instead of pasting... I'm just so upset.
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